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| 12:29pm 07/12/2005 |
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Why am I such a wreck? I'm not sure. I think I need to stop attracting attention to myself. I've resolved to be as boring, as accepting, as bland as anyone could want me to be. I understand that I have flaws, I'd never deny that. I understand that sometimes I'm wrong, and that's okay.
I understand that sometimes the people around me are even more psychotic than I am. Particularly.
I can't write a song for the life of me.
I could use some friends that actually give a shit about me. I could use someone a little closer to the fold who doesn't fly off the handle. I have to make myself of worth somehow.
I'm sick of spending all my nights at home, but baby, there's nowhere to go. There's not a fucking hip thing to do in this town, and there's nobody who'd want to come along.
I understand that writing things like this in a fucking whiny livejournal post is just ridiculous. I've actually written two posts within a month. Shocker. |
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| 01:18pm 02/12/2005 |
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I don't like you.
I did like you for a while.
But then you started going back and doing the things you used to do.
EVERY TIME I tell you about it, you change your ways for a while.
And I like you for that while.
But then you start going back and doing the things you used to do.
Ohhh Maybellene, why can't you be true? |
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| 02:52pm 27/10/2005 |
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FIRST UPDATE IN MONTHS.
Top Ten Albums for Ryan, in no particular order:
The Phantom Surfers - The Exciting Sounds of Model Road Racing
Thee Flying Dutchmen - Caveman Sessions
Supercharger - Supercharger
The Drags - Dragsploitation... Now!
Los Saicos - Wild Teen Punk From Peru 1965
King Uszniewicz - Teenage Dance Party
The Mummies - Never Been Caught
The Oblivians - Rock n' Roll Holiday (Live in Atlanta)
The Trashwomen - Spend the Night with the Trashwomen
The Makers - Devil's Nine Questions
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I guess they're pretty obvious choices, then. The only person who'll respond to this is Gary. |
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| 01:58pm 07/08/2005 |
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I feel horrible.
More and more I feel like I don't really want to talk to anyone. I feel like I've been flakier than ever before, and mostly because my truck is broken. But deep down, there's a part of me that just wants to not go anywhere or do anything. I'm so burnt out.
Just about everyone I talk to tires me out. I feel like such a bad person saying it. And I don't want anyone who reads this to get butt-hurt by what I say here. So quit taking things personally for a second and hear me out. I'm so so tired. I just want things to be easy, for a week.
My dad's upset because his business is having problems, and he's been trying to get me to help there. But I'm tired, and the heat is getting to me, in a negative way.
I can't remember a damn thing.
All of chuck berry's songs start the same way.... |
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| 03:42am 16/07/2005 |
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On thursday, my truck broke down. I limped my ass back home, and then went to visit my aunt, who was visiting a friend in Parkfield. On our way home, around nine thirty at night, we had a playhouse in the back of our truck. A gust of wind from a passing semi blew the house out of our truck. It hit the pavement and pieces of it were spread all over the road. Another semi going east hit a part of the roof of the house and it broke a light or two on the truck itself. We got all of the pieces off of the road and took apart what was left of the playhouse and stacked it in the back of our truck (which is probably what we ought to have done in the first place). We finally made it home by 11 or so. I got kyla home around 1:30 am and fell asleep at 2. Because my truck was broken, I had to hitch a ride to work on friday with my dad. Since he leaves the house early, I woke up at 4am and worked until about 2:30 or 3pm the next day. I haven't slept much at all, at all, at all.
Yesterday, my amazon order came in, and I bought a couple of movies at wal-mart in the seven dollar bin. I got:
Mystery Science Theater 3k - disc set number 6
Jason and the Argonauts
Christine
Mysterious Island
Beginning of the End
The Fly/Return of the Fly (double feature)
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea/Fantastic Voyage
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Today, if I can find a blank tape, Alex and I are supposed to record some of our songs. I wrote a new one today, so he'll have to learn it. Kyla might learn some drumwork while Alex is in Washington. He said that we could use his drumset. |
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| 01:07pm 12/07/2005 |
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This entry was stupid.
I sware. |
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| I eat words and |
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| 03:55pm 09/07/2005 |
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Excerpt from an email to a former english teacher.
"Hey Margaret, I just called and Woke you up. I just wanted to send you a piece of words strung together in several stacks.
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Walter Mitty’s Desert Romance
By: Ryan Tucker
I want to live in the desert.
Art there doesn’t mean anything but scenery,
I’m tired of artists that live by the sea.
There’s no more place here for me than tits on a bull,
my dad’s dad would say it that way.
In the concrete jungle, steam lingers dumbly over grates
people talk with their mouths full and lines are long.
Me moving to the desert is just like Walter Mitty.
I could drive a thousand miles and never touch hard red clay
I could see a million diner tables and never see a mesa.
I hear more about things than see them,
and I’ve heard a lot about Arizona,
I guess it rains big drops in the summertime.
That sounds fine to me, I’ve never lived anywhere that wasn’t bone dry.
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As an aside, I've realized that all my work is about wanting to live somewhere else. If I ever lived somewhere else, I'd want to live somewhere else again. Yucca plants and thunderstorms sound like they might be nice, though. Let me know what you think, and stuff. Because for all my life, you'll never shake my hobbies.
Wish I could be a writer, but writing takes too much passion. Hopeless devotion to lost causes and working ones self to the bone in order to... sell a book for negative income. My desire to fuel capitalism has outdone my desire to provide beauty to the world. POR QUE I have come to an understanding with the world, that beauty is about beholders and people with all of the holdings control what is beautiful, and that's all there is to it. The world understands me too, because translators for capitalism come in all sorts of dollar signs. One's an S, one's a Y, one's an L, and one's an E. SLY... E. Money is sly and it's working to eradicate the weak by making the stronger simply stronger and to hell with it, where's the money to come from? Where's MY money coming from? I guess menial labor has been alright to me, but mind expanding it isn't.
Verbal Vomit over an electronic medium.
I eat words and puke prose." |
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| 10:48pm 03/07/2005 |
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Reposted from a comment on someone elses' journal:
"I hate to say it, but people will always be morons. (Also, before you get to know someone, they might seem like the coolest person in the world, but after you get to know them, it's just so disappointing). Most people go their entire life not knowing what they want, myself included. I've got a couple of goals, but each is an eventuality that just hasn't had time to pan out yet. I love to play music, and I play with another guy, but we're pretty limited. He's getting better, as am I. I want to start a one-man band, but I've been talking about that forever. It seems as close as the sun.
So far, all I do is play some guitar to make me feel like I'm doing something when I'm not working. (Which is another story which involves my life being made up of menial jobs that nobody else wants to do).
hmm." |
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| 04:09pm 25/06/2005 |
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Today I bought
V/A - "Heart So Cold: The North Country 60's Scene" 12" on Dionysus Records
The Woggles - "Wailin' with the Woggles" 10" on One Louder Records
Johnny Clark and the Four Playboys - "Jungle Stomp" b/w "I need a Woman" 7" on Norton Records (Green Vinyl) |
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| 01:01am 01/06/2005 |
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I had a dream last night that I had been drinking, and that I was trying to dodge police checkpoints. It was dark and there was someone else in my truck, I forget who.
It was pretty crazy, because I may drink, but I definitely don't drink and drive.
ZANY |
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| 03:09pm 30/05/2005 |
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Some people are not very mature about things. Sometimes I am one of those people.
Today I felt like I was not one of those people, or I hope I wasn't. Tonight I'm watching beetlejuice.
Sometimes I just want to be liked. Sometimes I want nobody to like me, because I probably don't like them. I'm the most hypocritical bastard en la cara del mundo.
Ay dios mio. |
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| 11:43pm 14/05/2005 |
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I think:
I think it's funny that we look back a year or two and think about how ignorant we were, but we never think about how ignorant we might be right now. I feel a touch ignorant.
I think I need more cowbell.
I think that I like playing guitar. I played guitar so much yesterday I wore me out. I need more stamina.
I think the challengers were the wimps of surf. |
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| 09:09am 04/05/2005 |
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How much of a music nerd are you?
47.343% - Super Music Nerd
See guys, I'm only 47% music nerd. Some of those questions are lame and don't apply to the kind of music-ness that I participate in. But still, for those of you who thought I was obsessed, well... This biased test says "You're wrong!" Take it. |
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| 12:18am 03/05/2005 |
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I find it extremely interesting how many times I've written certain number combinations. What the hell is wrong with me, and why do those numbers keep coming up so often? CRAZY! ZANY! |
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| 05:03pm 30/04/2005 |
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mood:  frustrated
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I'm down.
Sixty in a Forty.
By: Ryan Tucker
I’m about as broken as this truck,
gears grinding against each other with broken teeth
while under the hood I hear belts whining,
their cracked, dry rubber stretched to break.
Oh, trust me, I know what’s going on,
but I skip my eyes over bald tires and cracked windshields,
over dust and rusted out chasms in floorboards;
I don’t watch the road fly under my feet.
Perhaps if I lean into the accelerator,
(that mile long stretch of pedal on the right)
and turn on that cheap am/fm stereo,
then the roar of the engine as its pistons melt into their cylinders
could meld perfectly with some deaf man’s symphony,
some man's one-uppance of the odds. |
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| 09:47am 23/04/2005 |
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I'm genuinely sick. I bought a russian hat (the kind with the ear flaps and stuff). Mine is brown, and jason's is grey. It's pretty fucking cool.
I bought some A'Darrio strings. I don't like them very much, they're too dull sounding for me. Never know if you don't try, right?
I also got kind of fucked tonight. Someone set up a date to hang out/play music, and then they cancelled because they didn't really want to do it in the first place. M'kay.
girl comes home tonight |
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| 01:57am 22/04/2005 |
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I didn't sleep at all last night. I watched the sun come up, then drove back to my house. I'm housesitting, blah blah blah.
...My truck is broken. The trend seems to be that the battery dies on me, but it's only really bad when it's hot outside? What a stupid piece of machinery.
Last night I advanced nine levels on Champions: RTA. That's seriously too much. On the upside, my bow spells are starting to get some zest to them.
I took some nyquil when I got home, then fell asleep in the shower a couple of times before I finally fought off the medication long enough to collapse in bed. Problem is, I ended up waking up in just a few more hours, still sickly. I'm either very allergic to something in their house, or I'm getting genuinely sick. Only the rest of the day will tell. |
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| 01:34am 10/04/2005 |
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I accidentally clicked update journal. Oh well.
...
I don't really like veganism. I'm fine with eating animals, thank you very much. I love wearing leather. I wish I had a leather jacket again. |
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| Stolen from Brianne |
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| 02:21pm 08/04/2005 |
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Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Extraversion | |||||||||||||| | 53% | | Stability | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Orderliness | |||||| | 23% | | Empathy | |||||| | 30% | | Interdependence | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Intellectual | |||||| | 30% | | Mystical | || | 10% | | Artistic | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Religious | |||| | 16% | | Hedonism | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Materialism | |||||| | 23% | | Narcissism | || | 10% | | Adventurousness | |||||| | 23% | | Work ethic | |||||| | 23% | | Self absorbed | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Conflict seeking | |||||| | 23% | | Need to dominate | |||||||||| | 36% | | | Romantic | || | 10% | | Avoidant | |||||||||| | 36% | | Anti-authority | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Wealth | |||| | 16% | | Dependency | |||||| | 30% | | Change averse | |||||||||||||||| | 63% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Individuality | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Sexuality | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Peter pan complex | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Physical security | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Food indulgent | |||| | 16% | | Histrionic | || | 10% | | Paranoia | |||||| | 30% | | Vanity | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Hypersensitivity | |||||| | 23% | | Female cliche | |||||||||||||| | 56% | |
| Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comI figured I'd post this cause I thought it was sort of accurate. Especially messy and tough. ;) |
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